Heads or Tails: The Single Dad Calendar
Back in January, I wrote about the “binary life” I lead as a single dad. When my girls are with me, I’m full-on dad. When they’re not, I’m full-on single guy. And while my life isn’t quite that bifurcated–I try to talk to my girls on the phone every day they’re with their mother, and I’ve been known to watch a littleWalking Dead after the girls go to bed–the binary idea is a useful framework for making sense of my life.
Take, for instance, how I fill my calendar. Last Saturday, Hannah’s Girl Scout troop was going to get together and watch the Franklin Christmas parade. The girls were with me last weekend, so I took Lily along, and the three of us had a great time watching the decorated cars and trucks, marching bands, and old men on motorcycles go by. This weekend, Franklin held its annual “Dickens of a Christmas” festival. This shindig is part of what makes Franklin, as a small town, maximally charming. It’s a fun thing to do as a family, but the girls were with their mother this weekend, so I didn’t take them, and didn’t go myself.
My binary life means that when kid-friendly activities fall on my weekends with the girls, we go and have fun. When they fall on other weekends, we don’t go. Sometimes their mother and I switch things up, but generally that’s how it works. And I’m pretty good with that. When I read about something fun coming up, I know there’s a 50% chance I can take the girls. If I make it to 50% of the wonderful family-friendly events around Nashville each year, I figure I’m doing pretty well.
The 50% rule applies to my kid-free time, too. When I hear about a 5K or a special event at the Belcourt or a young adults event at church, I check my calendar. Half the time, it’s a weekend with my girls, so I don’t go. I miss out on some things, sure, but the other half of the time, I know I can go without having to arrange a babysitter. You win some, and you lose some, but, again, I figure a 50% batting average ain’t bad.
There are times, however, that living at the mercy of my calendar doesn’t quite work. Maybe there’s a big movie opening that I really, really want to see (<cough>Hobbit</cough>) or I want to help a friend move or there’s a Christmas party I’d really like to attend. Sometimes these things fall on my weekends with the girls, and I have to decide if it’s worth (a) getting a sitter and (b) giving up some time with my girls. Those can be tough choices, but I know that married parents (who want to do something together) face similar choices all the time.
When I’m faced with these decisions, I have to remind myself that my binary life doesn’t have to be quite so binary. That married parents elect to hire babysitters and go out on weekends. That I need a little me-time even when I’m in single-dad mode. It’s then that I get selective. I can’t take off for a few hours every weekend the girls are with me, but I can try to make good choices about when I do.
And I can make sure my girls know they’re loved by me, no matter what.