1:1

Years ago, my little family consisted of two parents and one child. This meant that said child could receive the complete attention of one parent, while another parent was free to go to work, read a book, or take a nap. This arrangement wasn’t without problems, of course. Sometimes the child needed attention when both parents would have rather been sleeping. Sometimes one parent would have liked to tag out, but the other parent was still at work. But, on the whole, the 2:1 parent-child ratio worked pretty smoothly.

Then about five years ago, we added a second child to the family unit. We had gotten pretty good at taking care of the one child. How hard could it be to take care of two? There were two of us, right? Sure, two parents and two kids works fine–assuming that bit about going to work, reading a book, or taking a nap is optional.

For instance, consider a typical night during those weeks after child #2’s arrival. One parent was up half the night with child #2, while the other one slept. When 6am rolls around, child #1 wakes up, which means our two parents now have three tasks to handle: child #1, child #2, and that thing called a job that one of the parents has to maintain. Maybe child #2 is still asleep for a while, but that still leaves two tasks for the two parents–one of whom hasn’t slept much.

Not unrelated: It really is wonderful when babies learn to sleep through the night.

So the 2:2 arrangement has its challenges. But, assuming everyone has had a good night’s sleep, no one has to go work, and no one wants to read a book, it also means that each child can receive the complete attention of one of the two parents.

Take a minute to think about that. About how important it is to a child to get undivided attention from someone who loves them unconditionally.

Gary “Five Love Languages” Chapman says we each have a “love tank” that works something like a gas tank. If no one is filling our love tank, we’re not ready to tackle life’s problems and challenges. My two little girls need their love tanks filled, and spending quality time with a parent is one of the best ways to do that. They need that undivided attention like a plant needs water and sunshine. When both of my girls are with me, I can’t quite say “I love you” to each of them in the same way I can when I’m spending time with just one of them.

2:1. Then 2:2. Now, after the divorce, the ratio is even worse. 1:2. One parent. Two children. My kids still need that quality time with one of their parents. But when it’s just me and the girls for the weekend, that’s pretty much impossible.

Pretty much. But not entirely.

During soccer practice, Lily is off having fun with her teammates, while Hannah and I get a little one-on-one time. When I’m working from home, I swing by Hannah’s school and have lunch with her. Just her. This morning, I picked up Lily from her mom’s house and brought her to the soccer fields for the team photo, which gave an hour for just the two of us. Last weekend, I took Hannah to see a Sherlock Holmes play, while Lily spent the afternoon at the library with her mom.

It takes some doing. And some cooperation. And some sacrifice of that “go to work, read a book, take a nap” stuff. But it’s possible. And it’s so important.

So… how do you find ways to spend 1:1 time with your kids?

Image: “Whichever Way You Want,” clappstar, Flickr (CC)