Consent

I’m going to try to keep this short. I have some longer posts I’d like to write, one about an art party the girls and I threw late in the summer and one about a podcast I heard about how the church should minister to divorced people, but those will have to wait a bit longer. What follows, I need to say today.

Last night, I had a conversation with my thirteen-year-old daughter about consent.

Why? Because Donald Trump was elected president.

This wasn’t the first time I’ve talked with my older daughter about consent. We’ve had a conversation about boys, and she knows that if a boy wants to do something that she’s not comfortable doing, she can and should say no. And the boy should respect that. And, if he doesn’t, she should run away or fight back or tell a trusted adult or all of these things.

As her dad, this is the kind of conversation I feel I need to have with her. It’s a dangerous world out there, and I know I can’t protect her from all the dangers. But I can empower her to try and protect herself. She might get in a situation where running away or fighting back or telling an adult isn’t enough, but I want her to do those things.

We revisited this conversation last night. She and I were both upset that 59 million fellow Americans voted Donald Trump into office. There are lots of reasons we were upset. So many reasons. But the one that hits closest to home is how Trump treats women.

We learned this fall that about ten years ago, Trump was caught on tape bragging about sexually assaulting women. I’m not going to repeat his words here—Google them yourself—but they were clear. He said he took what he wanted from women, whether or not they consented. If that’s what he did, then that was sexual assault.

After the Access Hollywood tape was released, Trump issued an apology. “I’ve said and done things I regret, and the words released today on this more than a decade-old video are one of them. Anyone who knows me knows these words don’t reflect who I am. I said it, I was wrong, and I apologize. I’ve traveled the country talking about change for America, but my travels have also changed me… I pledge to be a better man tomorrow and will never, ever let you down.”

As others have noted, this wasn’t much of an apology. I don’t know the man’s heart, maybe he meant it. But two days later, at the second presidential debate, this happened:

Anderson Cooper: “You described kissing women without consent, grabbing their genitals. That is sexual assault. You bragged that you have sexually assaulted women. Do you understand that?”

Donald Trump: “No, I didn’t say that at all. I don’t think you understood what was — this was locker room talk. I’m not proud of it. I apologize to my family. I apologize to the American people. Certainly I’m not proud of it. But this is locker room talk.”

Let’s be clear about something. Bragging about sexually assaulting women is not okay, not outside a locker room, not in a locker room. It’s wrong and offensive.

But our new president-elect doesn’t see it that way.

After that exchange at the debate, Anderson Cooper went on to ask Trump if he actually did the things he said he did on that tape. Cooper had to ask three times before Trump denied doing those things. Three times.

In the following days, a number of women came forward, saying that, indeed, Trump had sexually assaulted them. Trump responded by insulting them, in public. “Believe me, she would not have been my first choice,” he said of one. “You take a look, look at her, look at her words… I don’t think so,” he said of another.

I share these quotes because I know people who think he’s a changed man, that he’s not the man he was in 2005 when he bragged about sexual assault. That we should forgive him. But this year, in 2016, he said that was just “locker room talk.” This year, after his apology, he continued to mock women who allege he assaulted them. I don’t believe these are the words of a contrite man. And I don’t see why I should forgive someone who continues to demean women, repeatedly and in public.

This is a man who bragged about sexually assaulting women and brushed off those comments as “locker room talk.” Fifty-nine million Americans were able to overlook that and vote for him.

And that’s why I had to talk with my daughter about consent last night.